Cocktail Snob - quality matters!

You can walk into almost any fine dining restaurant in the world, and they will (presumably) serve you a great meal, carefully prepared by chefs who are in tune with every aspect of cooking, from the correct temperatures of their ovens, to the careful balancing of an array of spices that they have an intimate understanding of, to the precise time at which each ingredient needs to be added to the dish. This same restaurant may have a nice wine list, prepared by a sommelier who knows how wine compliments food, who can discuss the vintages of the best grapes, and who can tell you about the parts of the world in which they are grown.

That very same establishment will - almost certainly - serve you a third-rate cocktail, made by a bartender who is only behind that bar to make a buck. I am talking about five-star places... and right down to no-star places. If the chefs had as little enthusiasm for what they were serving as the bartenders do, they'd all be fired. And yet, bartenders can serve poor product, just as long as they have the skills to crank the mediocre drinks out quickly and keep the cash flowing. The bar is seen as a quick cash-cow in most establishments, ones that bill themselves as high-end. Drinks that have expensive ingredients or that take time to make are seen as liabilities, even when the equivalent in meals is seen as acceptable.

Here is one example: Foquets in Paris is a legendary dining establishment on the famous Champs Elyses. I walked by there in November of 2007, and noted that they wanted €810 (about $1189.00 at the moment) for a plate of caviar. They have a full bar at Foquets, and the only rum they stock is Malibu. Malibu might be the worst rum in the world, hands down. Seriously. What gives?

I will stand by this bold and potentially offensive statement: better than 95% of all bartenders out there are interested in plopping a beer bottle down in front of you, collecting a tip, and moving on. Making a drink that requires an effort is seen as a hassle. Even if these mercenary barkeeps are willing to go the extra mile to make something decent, almost none of them have the skill to produce a recipe that even comes close to standing along side that great meal or that great wine mentioned above. Virtually no bartender working today can make a classic drink such as a Rob Roy, a Sazerac, or a Sidecar - if they've even heard of these drinks. Martinis and Mojitos, two classics that are currently trendy, are routinely botched to embarrassing degrees. Exotic cocktails like Mai Tais have been twisted and devolved to the point where most people gag at the very name, as they should when confronted with what usually passes for a Mai Tai today.

The vast, vast majority of bars out there serve what I think of as McCocktails, or the fast-food equivalent of alcoholic drinks. Just as McDonalds serves cheap, mass produced food that is made with all sorts of disgusting and questionable ingredients, and is prepared and served by people with no culinary skills whatsoever, then so it is with almost all bars and their cocktails.

Some bars - such as your neighborhood dive or any sports bar - are the tavern equivalent of a fast food joint, and it isn't realistic to expect much more than 'fast food cocktails' from them. However... even the nicer bars, places that attempt to present a classy, elegant, or upscale atmosphere (and that may also serve good or even great food), still serve McCocktails, almost all of the time!

It is the mission of the Cocktail Snob to find establishments that contradict everything I have just said!

Now...
Somewhere out there, a bartender is reading this and getting steamed. This person is thinking: "I love making drinks! I can make a drink that is as complex, and flavorful, and as enjoyable to consume as any equivalent meal or wine". This person may also be thinking: "I know my gins, my whiskeys, my rums, and my liqueurs, and I know how they work together - I have studied this stuff!". Or maybe this person is thinking "I only use fresh fruit juices, I abhor well liquors, and every drink I serve is a work of art; I take pride in my skills!". Perhaps this person's gripe is that I am disrespecting his peers.
Or perhaps his peeve is that I am right - his peers do all suck at their jobs.

Well, mister, if you're a bartender, and you're offended at what you have read here, then you're our hero!
You're the guy we want to meet, you're the guy who's bar we want to sit at.
You're the one getting our tip money, our repeat business, and a listing on this web page.
If you are that guy (or girl) then let us know - we'll happily slurp up whatever you're serving, and then we'll join your fan club.

But, you're a rare breed, and there aren't many of you out there.

That is just a fact.

Now the other half of the equation is not the bartenders and/or their bosses - it is the customers.

For a variety of reasons, people expect good food, but are absolutely content with crappy drinks. There are many explanations for this. Part of it is that their expectations have been lowered by never having opportunities to consume good drinks. Once they're used to mediocrity, they don't know to demand quality. If the people don't ask for quality, they don't get it, and a vicious circle develops. People are still drinking drinks that use indifferent liquor covered up with some nasty factory-made high-fructose corn syrup products just because they don't know any better. And they don't know any better, because places in which they could be served something exceptional are scarce, at best.

It is also worth noting that just because something (anything) may be expensive doesn't make it either good or desirable. It is important to remember that the exclusionary practices and prices charged by a lot of ritzy or trendy cocktail bars in no way guarantees that their drinks are any better than those found at more reasonably priced establishments. This is good: quality is not the exclusive provenance of the wealthy. Taste and cash are not mutually inclusive - I know a lot of people who have loads of one and not a lick of the other. Dive bars are perfectly acceptable to the Cocktail Snob; we only want a good drink, and if it can be had in a genuine, honest, and 'real' environment, then so much the better. If the price is right - without sacrificing quality in any way - then so much the better.

A big part of the mission of this site is to help educate people about what they're missing, and to point them towards places that will help them to raise their standards. If these people then go into bars that seem like they ought to have good drinks, but don't (I am talking about anything a notch classier than your corner beer joint or your television-infested sports bar), then perhaps the pressure will be on for the managers and bartenders everywhere to up their game and to raise their standards. And then everybody wins.

Cocktail Snob would like you to go into the places that we rate highly, patronize them, and keep them in business.
Thank them profusely, and tip well.
But then go into one of the many, many places that present an image that is something above a McBar, but who don't back that up with a quality product. Tell them what you've experienced in the superior locations viewed on this web site, and demand (nicely!) the same quality.

Being served something good to great for your hard earned money should not be an anomaly.
Bars that serve at least acceptably good drinks should be the norm, not a rarity.

There are a growing number of people who enjoy a good cocktail, and who are demanding an experience that is held to just as high a standard as their meals are.

Mediocrity is not acceptable.

Wave your Cocktail Snob banner proudly.

Settle for nothing less.

Spread the word.

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Last updated on October 23, 2007

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